It’s been a little while.
Things just seem to get better and better (sarcasm) – I find myself sinking into deeper and darker pits of depression as the days go by.
I don’t know why I felt the urge to post tonight, except that it’s been a little while, and there has to be some way, some outlet, that lets me express what I’m really feeling. And let me tell you, it’s not real good.
The last week or so, I’ve been sitting here, thinking about knives – how easy it would be, and yet how hard, just to fall on one and end it all. I’m sorry to anyone reading this (yes, you know who you are) who might find this hard to hear. It’s hard for me to type, too.
I’m tired of fighting.
Everywhere I look, the odds just seem stacked against me. Nothing I do seems to have any positive effect. I feel completely ineffective, unliked, and insignificant. Goodness knows, I’ve been trying hard to change things – at work, especially.
But it doesn’t seem to be having any effect.
I bought a packet of smokes the other night – after 18 months or more without, it was a bit of a copout, but I was drunk and needed comfort. But of course, like many things, it was only temporary.
So many memories………….so many things in the past that should be forgotten and can’t be…..so many things that should be in my future, but somehow just can’t be pictured there………so many regrets, so many wishes and dreams, so many sorrows…….
It’d be so good to just start again…….but that’s never going to happen…..so what is one supposed to do? I can’t go on crying every day of my life.
Something’s gotta give. 🙁