Month: May 2004

You bastards! Beaten by a single, solitary point in golden goal (sudden death.) I was disappointed!

But hey, that’s sport for you. It was a pretty average game of footy though, in a lot of ways. But I don’t think anyone needs my post-match analysis. I think it’s safe to say that if you saw the game you can make up your own mind, and if you didn’t see the game you’re probably not interested in hearing it, because you’re probably not a league fan.

I’m feeling the need to do some deeper pondering on life, the universe, and everything. There’s probably a lot of that in this blog already – indeed, it seems that it’s all I write about. Perhaps I’m self absorbed – but I don’t seem to spend a lot of time involved in deep thinking about anything else. I used to – somehow things changed. There just isn’t anyone around that stimulates my thought processes like there used to be. No meaningful conversation. Very little meaningful interaction with any human beings, in fact. It all seems rather shallow and petty these days.

Something changed – somewhere along the line, when I switched off my feelings for the rest of the world and put up the defensive walls that are keeping everyone out now. Once you put them up, it’s hard to pull them down again.

I need to find people that can help me do that – I was thinking as I got onto a plane today that I’ve been waiting for other people to come along and help me make the change; maybe that’s not the right way to be thinking. I was thinking, when I took holidays earlier this year, that maybe changing my physical perspective on things might help – sadly, it didn’t. If anything it might have made things worse.

I was thinking, as I got on that plane, that maybe some medication might help make the change – then I realised that, paradoxically, my emotional insecurity prevents me from going to see a shrink – and besides that, the last time I went to a doctor about my panic attacks and my emotional fluctuations, he really didn’t seem all that interested. Blamed it on my alcohol intake – which is my second argument for saying that medication is a waste of time. I can also come up with a third one – a living, real life example of someone who is living happily off her medication simply because she put herself in the right place and surrounded herself with the right people. I’m happy for her.

So the question is what will do the trick for me?

Life is about that journey of finding out. The problem is, right now, I’m feeling very very tired from the trip. I really hope there’s a rest area coming up soon.

Thai food is great.

Thai food washed down with a couple of Crownies is even better.

Thai food when you’re interstate, on the night of the first State of Origin, when you wouldn’t normally be able to watch it live if you were in your home state, while eating Thai food and drinking Crownies is just about as good as it gets (other than the fact that I’m alone in a motel room. But hey, nothing’s perfect) 🙂

So, I’m sitting here waiting for the football to start. Some of the work issues have blown over (had a long chat to my boss the other night – told her how I feel – couldn’t get a word in edgewise after that but I’m over it, in any case) and tomorrow they start again in earnest.

Earlier an interesting realisation came to me. One of the major stumbling blocks that I am having in my professional career is….paradoxically….my lack of personal life.

It seems that I’ve come to just about the limit of what I can achieve professionally, until I can improve my social, relationship and people skills. So somehow, even though I’ve been talking about it for a long time, I have to get myself a life. As traumatic and stressful as that’s going to be for someone like myself who suffers from paranoia and problems with intimacy – I just don’t naturally relate well to other people without putting on an act, and it never feels comfortable.

Until I’ve drunk enough to remove all the inhibitions. So – some scary stuff needs to happen.

Anyway – enough of my bullshit. Queensland must win the football! Watching a decent game of league is something I’ve missed since I moved to the ass end of the country (mental note: please do not give the URL of this blog to any Tasmanians) – so it should be interesting.

Time to forget my troubles just for one night and kick back – tomorrow at all the fun starts again.

See title.

That is all.

I’m pissed off.

I need to have a rant about some work shit – so tune out for a moment if you’re not interested 🙂

I manage a business as some people may know – with 12 staff working for me. Last year there were some issues raised with my boss (at the time I didn’t have an area manager, she is slightly higher than that) about my manner with the staff – sometimes when I’m under pressure I have a tendency to be short, snappish, and generally don’t speak to people in the most pleasant way. Last year they raised it with her, we discussed it, and I resolved to change that.

Now over the past 24 hours she’s been to visit, with my now area manager, and she’s sat down with every member of staff in private to talk to them. Last night she told me that this was something she’s doing everywhere – and that nobody has made any complaints about me. “Your staff have good ideas”, she says – “we didn’t just discuss you”, she says.

Before she left, we sat down, and I was subject to a nice little spiel about how I have to spend time speaking to all of the staff one on one each week so that I can become a better people manager and get better results from the team. In fact, now that I think about it, ALL the things we talked about before she left were about me and my management style. Thanks for sharing all those “good ideas” with me. I appreciate it.

Now somehow I have to find the time to sit down with 12 people WEEKLY and talk to them in private – the bottom line is, the only way I’m going to be able to do this is to drop some other responsibilities (and some of those responsibilities are ones which are making the business so successful in the first place.)

I simply don’t have the time – the business is one of the most successful in the group – all the figures, on paper, are excellent. I just don’t have time to be touchy feely with people.

Sigh.

I don’t have time for any extra responsibilities. It’s hard enough when I’m going away for training and meetings 4 or 5 days a month, doing the administrator’s job when she’s not there, and generally run off my feet the other days – unless I work 7 days a week it’s going to be a struggle.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, it annoys me how people can walk in, talk to everyone, and all of a sudden come to the conclusion that there’s a problem, when it’s mostly caused by a couple of whingers (who are part of the minority.) And I know who they are – I just need to weed them out.

For the love of god, please do see the topic!

It’s amazing what effect a few little innocuous comments can have on a person, particularly on someone like myself (perhaps I’m slightly emotionally unstable, who knows.)

I went into work this evening, to have a couple of beers with the staff after work. Nothing really unusual about that. I was in a good mood when I got there, and everything was fine.

Then someone said something which implied I was unfair – and it put me on a downer for the rest of the night – to the point where I’ve been socially incommunicado for most of the evening. The pub was a deadset whitewash, nobody seemed to want to talk to me very much, and even after I left I got a couple of SMSes from our 2IC asking me what was wrong. Of course I put a brave face on it (even though I was in tears) because I can’t bear anyone to see me when I’m feeling vulnerable.

So of course, I’m taking the mature approach – stifling the (unusual thoughts of suicide) stupid crap that enters my brain, I’m getting insanely drunk. After the few beers at the pub I’ve managed to polish off a couple of four packs of JD and coke (it’s bloody annoying the amount of backspacing I’ve been doing whilst posting this) and I have a couple of pizzas and some more Jack Daniel’s on the way. I expect I won’t be sleeping tonight, I’ll be passing out.

So for the love of god, people – think about what you say! You never know what effect it’ll have on those of us who are more emotionally fragile than others. A seemingly innocuous comment can easily put someone on the brink of a nervous breakdown, if it’s said in the right context.

I don’t want to seem like I’m whining – so I’ll shut up. But tonight has highlighted to me how much I (perhaps stupidly) care about what other people think.

Screw them. They only make my life a misery – of course that’s not my fault. At all. Is it.

Heh.

There’s a lot to be said for sitting on your arse doing nothing – and that’s what I plan to be doing for the next few days.

In front of me is a nice, cold, Jack Daniel’s and coke. On the way (my mouth is watering in anticipation) is a couple of steaming hot pizzas from my pizza establishment of choice.

My internet is working, although not without a little coaxing – for some reason, after running LiveUpdate this evening, I completely lost the ability to surf the ‘net – uninstalling then reinstalling NAV 2003 fixed that. So I’m happily online and doing my thing.

Seriously – I’m going to get full of food, pissed as a mute, and just generally hang out here doing sweet bugger all. This is the life 🙂

Mallrats is excellent.

In fact, almost all Kevin Smith movies are excellent, with the possible exception of Jay and Silent Bob Strikes back, which possibly earns the slightly lesser grade of “OK”. If anyone else had made it, I might have labelled it B-Grade.

Can I just say though, that sitting in this comfortable chair, on my laptop, in front of my widescreen TV, watching a DVD with my laptop on my lap, is just bloody excellent 🙂 I should do this more often, instead of sitting in a small office on my leather backed executive chair with the sadly flattened. bum numbing seat.

I might do a Kevin Smith marathon tonight – I was tempted to watch Chasing Amy first but I was worried that it might cause severe depression – that movie always makes me cry 😐

Anyway – not much to add. People are weird – but today is a good day.

That kid is back on the escalator again!

Phew – what a day – I’m just about pooped. Gothika was a pretty good movie actually, as supernatural thrillers go – there wasn’t much that was out of the ordinary though. The old “ghost who comes back for revenge” type story – I managed to put a couple of the pieces together before the movie had actually spelled out the answers, so it must have been a bit predictable 🙂

Telemarketers suck.

I’ve had this girl from a mob called SuperTAB trying to get me to spend money on their “investment program” – basically it’s a betting system where they give you a heap of tips every week and you put bets on all these different events. I’m not sure I want to spend $5k on that!

So she’s on the phone today, and I tell her no thanks, I’m not interested (the same as what I told her a month or so back) – then she starts putting the hard sell on me.

Remember what I said about Dad in my post below? Well this girl could rival him, easily. She must have gone on for a good 10 minutes, just on, and on…..and on…. about all the benefits of the program – I couldn’t get a bloody word in edgewise. I had to laugh – I just looked at one of the other girls in the office and shook my head…..

In the end I had to cut her off. “You’re not going to convince me. Thanks but no thanks.”

Somehow that’s one investment decision I don’t think I’ll regret making.

My father just rang me.

He shits me to tears. How is it that he can manage to phone me and maintain a constant monologue for such a long period without so much as a grunt of acknowledgement from me. I often feel that I could put the phone down and just let him ramble until he got sick of it – it’d take him a while to realise I wasn’t there.

Seriously – it annoys me no end. I don’t know why, but it just does. I suppose that’s why I mostly avoid speaking to him, mostly. And my mother.

That probably makes me sound like a terrible person, but the fact is, I’d prefer to be emotionally distant. All my emotions ever seem to cause me is pain.

Anyhow – for a more cheerful way of spending the evening, I’m going to watch Gothika. Then get a good nights sleep – tomorrow at work should be interesting….

I’ve completely been ignoring blogging lately – feeling a bit slack about it too 🙂

But the universe has a habit of reminding us of things like this. Last night I was fooling around with an IRC Script I installed and I discovered it had a webcam viewer coded into the script. I thought, “COOL!” and happily went on my merry way viewing some cams – although they were all pretty boring – so I started having a click on the homepages of some of the people in the cams.

I was reminded of how many people blog, and how much of people’s lives they share on the ‘net.

It’s a wonderful thing.

So it’s time I put a proper front page on this site, I think, and personalised things a bit – there’s not much here that’s really private, I guess, and nothing about specific people that needs to be censored.

So it’s on the agenda – no ideas about time frames, because things are pretty busy at the moment. Between my day job, and another business project I’m working on (which I won’t elaborate on just yet) I’ve been burning the midnight oil a lot lately.

Oh, and just to mention – I am no longer Windows free. My spell using linux, and only linux, lasted all of 2 weeks.

Oh well…………..