Day: 2 March 2004

I’m now in a motel in Nelson Bay, doing a bit of research before I hit the beach tomorrow for some fishing.

Why is it that I always get all emotional when leaving places where she is? I never get that with anyone else, but I was in tears when I left, as usual. It’s not that I’m fucked up over her, specifically, I think it’s just that I’m lonely and miserable in general. She told me to quit my job, heh. I wish it was that simple.

Was listening to some Evanescence in the car earlier today and on one of their EPs there’s this song called Solitude. It seemed to sum up pretty well how I was feeling (actually perhaps I shouldn’t be listening to Evanescence as their music always tends to depress me – although I really enjoy the music.)

Amy Lee’s voice continues to amaze me. I don’t know why, I mean there’s probably a fair few singers out there of her calibre, but it just has a haunting quality. In fact that’s what set me off this morning – the flat next to where I was saying is being renovated and the guys doing the work there had the radio on really loudly – then My Immortal came on and I just burst into tears. That song has that effect on me a lot, it always makes me think of times past – much like Ben Folds Five and Don’t Change Your Plans.

How does one move into the present without breaking ties with the past? It’s a case of not wanting to let go of those memories of things that were so wonderful, yet they’re holding back from an even better possible future. The main thing I’ve been hoping for is to get involved with someone else, but in typical catch-22 fashion, that’s highly unlikely to happen unless I get over the past and allow myself to care again. And that’s really difficult when you’ve got few friends, low confidence and low hopes. So, one tends to sink even further into a funk of depression which seems harder and harder to get out of the longer it goes on.

But still, I guess I’ve learnt a few things. I thought that having a good income and a nice car and nice clothes and lots of pretty posessions would make life somehow more bearable, but it hasn’t. (That’s not to say I’m a yuppie by any stretch of the imagination, heck my lounge is still a dodgy rickety old futon, but if I need to buy stuff I definitely don’t worry too much about budgeting these days.) Drinking a lot isn’t particularly helpful either, neither is eating whatever and whenever you feel like it, neither is smoking (cigarettes, pot, whatever. Been through all that, as will be evident when I eventually get around to typing out the aforementioned 16 page story written when I was a dope fiend. 🙂 ) So here I am still singing along to U2 and I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.

Oh well, we soldier on, don’t we. That’s what life is all about, I guess – just need to find a more positive outlook on things. Maybe anti-depressants (I’m still being advised to see a shrink but sadly, I can’t bring myself to do that. I have an aversion to brain shrinkers, and I’m not particularly interested in living my life on medication, either.) and then again maybe not.

Will catch some fish tomorrow. Might post some pictures. Maybe that’ll be less boring in case this blog ever gets read by anyone other than me 🙂

Couldn’t resist getting back online once more before I left. I’ve told them I’m leaving and now they’re saying I don’t have to, that I’m welcome to stay, etc – but are they just being polite, and will I look silly if I do decide to stay?

I can’t stay. Part of me just feels like a third wheel hanging around here – but as the housemate said earlier, it’s nice to have the company. I guess that’s how I feel too.

😐

Some holiday, huh.

It’s now Tuesday, and I had every intention of leaving today and heading back down south. I’ve got to be on the boat in Sydney on Friday morning, so I’ve still got a few days up my sleeve, but I don’t want to overstay my welcome.

It’s been an interesting few days here. I’ve done some fishing, (caught quite a few too) – photos are up on my webspace but they’re nothing exciting. Drunk plenty of grog. Ended up being able to get online for a couple of hours most days, although I miss my ADSL at home. On Friday (well officially, on Monday 🙂 ) my isp released some funky new plans – and I’ve asked them to upgrade me from my current 512/128k connection to 1500/256k – it’d be sooooo good if that was done by the time I get home (although chances are it’ll be early next week, I’m guessing.)

I’ve kinda felt bad that I haven’t spent a lot of time out and about doing stuff – been lazing around the house a lot. Listless – confused, tired. Really, if I wanted to laze around the house, I could have spent my three weeks holidays at home, and saved myself a couple of grand in travelling expenses, but hey – I’m still enjoying driving the ute, and occasionally visiting some of the facilities that are lacking back home.

My friend’s housemate has also been enjoying the ute, I’ve been letting him drive it (with me in the car) and how he’s set on buying one. It seems to have that effect on people (it had the same effect on a guy I know back in Tassie, too, and he didn’t even drive it.)

I say housemate because I have to give her the benefit of the doubt. I’m incredibly paranoid about these things, yaknow?

This girl is my ex, although I’m trying really hard not to think of her as that – I’d much rather think of her as a friend. It’d make it easier for me to get the hell over her (it’s been like, 2 years already.) The problem is that we never really actually broke up. Things were going along just fine and dandy until I took a promotion and moved out to Dubbo, and ever since then we just kinda drifted apart. We tried the long distance thing for a while, but it was pretty hard, and in the end I think we just mutually decided we were better off as friends.

That wasn’t so easy – when we had both told each other we still loved each other, and we still regularly visited, and still slept in the same bed together and cuddled lots – it still felt like a relationship and it’s not so easy to let go of something like that when it means so much to you. It’s perhaps one reason why I’ve found it really, really difficult to see myself getting involved with someone else (and add to that my normal complete shyness around strangers, especially of the attractive female variety, and it becomes downright near impossible.)

Anyway, even up until early last year when she visited me in Tas, things seemed pretty normal. A lot’s changed since then, obviously.

We work for the same company – she always said she never wanted to become a manager – since then she took a promotion and moved up here. She severely chastised me once about never smoking pot around her, yet she’s living with a guy who smokes every night. She always said she needed to live on her own, even – when we were together, I was at her place 4 or 5 nights a week but moving in was never an option, but now she’s living with this guy in a flat that’s half the size of the one she was in back then. And even though she swore blind to me that her and this guy aren’t together, I still can’t help but wonder if there’s more than that to it – sure, they have separate beds, but their lives are just so intertwined together between work (they work together – just like she and I did when we were together) and home that it seems pretty cozy to me. And her and I don’t even cuddle any more. I miss that.

I’m probably being totally paranoid, but I don’t have a choice – I can’t accuse her of lying to me, and really, it’s none of my business anyway. It’s her life, and although I care about her deeply I can’t get too involved. The only reason she’d be lying about it is to spare my feelings, but it makes no difference to me now, really. I’m mature enough to accept that she has been or will be involved with other people, and that won’t change the fact that we’re friends and that I care about her – what we had is over. There’s no necessity for her to be dishonest about anything.

But anyway, no need for me to keep ranting about it – I guess I’m a bit sad that I didn’t really have much of a chance to really talk to her about things. There were always other people around.

So now I’m going to disappear somewhere else and let these two get on with their lives – this flat is too small for three people and I’ve had a great time – I just wish I didn’t still feel so alone.

It’d be nice to be able to feel like I was heading back home feeling really positive and recharged, but it’s not really feeling that way right now. Maybe a couple of days of alone time will help that – I really hope so.

In the meantime I’d better get offline – they’re having problems with the computer at her work and she’s asked me to come and have a look at it – not that I’ll probably be able to do much, but anyway…. *gone*