Umm…

I’m now in a motel in Nelson Bay, doing a bit of research before I hit the beach tomorrow for some fishing.

Why is it that I always get all emotional when leaving places where she is? I never get that with anyone else, but I was in tears when I left, as usual. It’s not that I’m fucked up over her, specifically, I think it’s just that I’m lonely and miserable in general. She told me to quit my job, heh. I wish it was that simple.

Was listening to some Evanescence in the car earlier today and on one of their EPs there’s this song called Solitude. It seemed to sum up pretty well how I was feeling (actually perhaps I shouldn’t be listening to Evanescence as their music always tends to depress me – although I really enjoy the music.)

Amy Lee’s voice continues to amaze me. I don’t know why, I mean there’s probably a fair few singers out there of her calibre, but it just has a haunting quality. In fact that’s what set me off this morning – the flat next to where I was saying is being renovated and the guys doing the work there had the radio on really loudly – then My Immortal came on and I just burst into tears. That song has that effect on me a lot, it always makes me think of times past – much like Ben Folds Five and Don’t Change Your Plans.

How does one move into the present without breaking ties with the past? It’s a case of not wanting to let go of those memories of things that were so wonderful, yet they’re holding back from an even better possible future. The main thing I’ve been hoping for is to get involved with someone else, but in typical catch-22 fashion, that’s highly unlikely to happen unless I get over the past and allow myself to care again. And that’s really difficult when you’ve got few friends, low confidence and low hopes. So, one tends to sink even further into a funk of depression which seems harder and harder to get out of the longer it goes on.

But still, I guess I’ve learnt a few things. I thought that having a good income and a nice car and nice clothes and lots of pretty posessions would make life somehow more bearable, but it hasn’t. (That’s not to say I’m a yuppie by any stretch of the imagination, heck my lounge is still a dodgy rickety old futon, but if I need to buy stuff I definitely don’t worry too much about budgeting these days.) Drinking a lot isn’t particularly helpful either, neither is eating whatever and whenever you feel like it, neither is smoking (cigarettes, pot, whatever. Been through all that, as will be evident when I eventually get around to typing out the aforementioned 16 page story written when I was a dope fiend. 🙂 ) So here I am still singing along to U2 and I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.

Oh well, we soldier on, don’t we. That’s what life is all about, I guess – just need to find a more positive outlook on things. Maybe anti-depressants (I’m still being advised to see a shrink but sadly, I can’t bring myself to do that. I have an aversion to brain shrinkers, and I’m not particularly interested in living my life on medication, either.) and then again maybe not.

Will catch some fish tomorrow. Might post some pictures. Maybe that’ll be less boring in case this blog ever gets read by anyone other than me 🙂