Okay, so yesterday, I get a friend request on Facebook from an old friend – someone who I haven’t spoken to in probably 12 or 13 years. It came with a nice note reminding me how we knew each other (not that it was necessary – I was pretty close friends with her whole family at the time) and asking me to approve it… so of course I did.
So now I have this strange sense of apprehension about what happens next.
You see I have some skeletons in my closet. Back in my late teens and early twenties, I was, to be quite frank, an arse. Never popular at school, feeling abandoned by my parents divorce, and craving acceptance, I did some really, really dumb things. I didn’t kill anybody or anything but without getting into specifics, I did get a bit rebellious and do many things that I’m ashamed of.
And even now, getting towards my mid thirties, I still haven’t reconciled the person I am today, who is somewhat less of an arse (if not half decent) with the person I was back then.
This is not the first time it’s happened – I am friends with numerous people on Facebook who I went to high school with and even at least one girl who I was (very briefly) in love with back then. But in some kind of bizarre, ironic anti-social-networking kind of way, all these people made friend requests, which I approved, and then proceeded to sit back and wait for me to say something. And because I fear rejection, and to distance myself from the person I was back then, it was just easier to not say anything at all.
So today, I spent a few minutes exploring Facebook and discovered a few more old friends and acquaintances – who’s got married, who hasn’t, who’s had kids, who’s got fat (me), who’s got slim, you know the sort of thing. But would I put in a friend request to any of those people? Probably not – not unless they initiated it.
It’s as if there are two sections in my life, post-arse and pre-arse, and never the twain shall meet – except on Facebook.
So, I will patiently wait and see whether my old friend chooses to initiate a conversation. Deep down, I kinda hope so. Maybe it will help me realise that the past is gone and finished with and everyone has made mistakes.