Well, it’s been a while

Tomorrow (well it’s after midnight, so I guess you could say tonight) I leave for a holiday. Almost 3 weeks back in mainland Australia, and off this island. Hooray!

The thing that’s scaring me the most is that I haven’t planned any of it. Not accomodation, not things to do, not nothing. Sure, I have some idea – a couple of dates, a few people to visit in my travels, but that’s about it. It sure should be interesting. This is the first time I’ve ever really done anything like this – I’m sure hoping it’ll have some positive effect (other than draining my bank account.)

There has to be a way of getting myself out of the current depressing frame of mind that I’ve been in – learning to know yourself and what makes yourself tick is sometimes harder than learning it about other people, I think.

There’s really no reason that I should be depressed other than the fact that I’m alone and don’t have many what I would consider close friends – certainly I have friends I’ve met through work, and through the internet – but they’re the sort of relationships that I feel would probably disappear if that common interest stopped.

If I stopped logging on to the internet, would anyone I know from that circle of friends contact me? If I resigned from my job, would anyone that I’ve met through the last 4 years of working with this company ever get back in touch?

The sad thing is, that the answer to those questions is almost certainly no. (I hope that none of my internet friends will take offence by this – if you honestly feel that it’s not true, then by all means comment and say so!)

It’s a lot like the Breakfast Club – we’re all wrapped up so much in our own cosy little lives that we connect with people, but only on a really superficial level.

It’s sad -it really is. I notice it in myself all the time. I want to become closer to people, and more caring and less selfish – but it’s really really difficult.

Which of course is probably a big part of the reason why I don’t draw people to me, and tend to be a loner.

Why I’m single. Why I don’t enjoy spending time with even my family very much. Somehow I need to find some more joy in the more positive things in life, set some goals, revel in achievement, laugh more, joke more, sing more, dance more, be less self conscious, heck, don’t be self conscious at all, just have no shame, appreciate what you have, be compassionate towards others, care more about other people and the issues….love yourself!

Compared to feeling emotionally dead, it’s an incredible contrast.

Actually that’s not entirely true – it’s very easy to make me cry lately.

Anyway – not to be too depressing – this is a blog, after all. Sometimes I feel woefully inadequate, when I read people’s blogs and they’re full of insightful political and current affairs commentary – with smatterings of humour, regular readerships that love to interact with the author, and a creator who obviously has passions that run very deep about whatever the subject is that they choose to blog about the most.

This blog was never meant to be one of those blogs that lots of people read and enjoy, but at the same time, it’s like the old bear shitting in the woods analogy – if nobody’s reading it, what’s the point? I may as well by writing in an antique leatherbound lockable diary and keeping it under the bed.

Anyway – enough from me now. Hey, I just had an interesting thought – a few weeks ago while I was cleaning out my garage I discovered something a wrote quite a few years ago – almost what I’d call my life story, if you will. Something like 16 A4 pages of handwritten text, written when I was at the last low, low point in my life, when I was living in a one bedroom housing commission flat in Canberra, doing drugs every day, surrounded by criminals and junkies, and wondering what the hell I was going to do with my life. I might type it all out and post it here one day, for my own reminiscing, if nothing else. Maybe someone will read it and get something out of it, who knows.

Sometimes I look back on that time now and realise how lucky I am – but in reality, I’m just as sad as I always was. Now I just have more money and possessions.

In other news – my DVD burner has finally turned up. DVD Shrink ROCKS. The ute now has been panelbeated back to its former glory, and has custom number plates to boot. Work seems to be getting better – the staff still don’t seem to feel that I deserve their respect, but I think I can change that given time – but I need to be extremely positive, enthusiastic and empowering when I’m at work, and it’s damn hard to be that 100% of the time. I hope this little holiday will give me the opportunity to clear my head and get the passion back.

I’ll be visiting 2 of those aforementioned internet friends when I pass through Melbourne – look forward to seeing you guys 🙂 Then I’ve got family to visit in Canberra (who don’t even know I’m coming yet) and quite a few work friends to visit in various towns along the way.

Finally, culminating in a visit with the one person in my life who I don’t consider in any of the above categories. Sure, I met her through work, but she ceased to be simply a work acquaintance a long time ago. Tears are coming to my eyes as I type this, which is just a realisation of how much she still means to me even though time, distance, and both our emotional circumstances have conspired to keep us apart. Hopefully some more healing can happen before I come home.

Better go. Next post will be from a motel or an internet cafe, so if you feel interested enough to listen to my ramblings, stay tuned (and hopefully some photos will be forthcoming too) 🙂