Deep thoughts

Non log stream of consciousness post….. partly prompted by [url=https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles/kevin-love-mental-health]this article[/url] that came across my Facebook feed the other day. I already shared it elsewhere but it deserved a post of its own.

I needed that deload more than I thought – if Josh had’ve asked me beforehand I’d have said ‘nup, apart from this TFL niggle and my sore arm, I feel good to go’. Honestly, though, whenever I’ve written deloads in my own programming I’ve never really dropped intensity all that much because I still wanted to ‘feel like I’ve trained’. So I suspect I didn’t ever really wash off much fatigue and then I just kept on trying to aggressively add load/volume so any benefits didn’t last long anyway. This has probably been the easiest deload I’ve ever done, but after every session I still felt like I’d lifted and didn’t feel lazy at all, which was a great lesson for me to learn.

Last week I said on Discord that (I quote): ‘my desire to train hard all the time doesn’t necessarily come from a healthy place.’ I didn’t elaborate at the time, but what I meant was that I always felt like I had something to prove; like I know I’m not particularly strong (and probably never will be) but deep down I have some silly fear that people will say I train like a pussy; and at least by logging here and training hard I showed that I’m putting in as much consistent effort as I can to get better.

And then a couple of days later came that article… and the truth is, while I do genuinely love lifting (despite not always feeling like it), the other reason that I tend to overdo it is right there in print. If I train hard enough I can forget about all the other crazy shit going on in my head for a while, and when I come in from the gym I’m just too damn tired to yell at my kid or do some other stupid thing to make an arse of myself…..

The article is right. You can’t achieve your way out of depression. And it kinda seems like I’ve been doing that all my life in some way or other. Not that I would hold myself up as some sort of major success or anything, I did OK in school and have managed to stay gainfully employed most of my adult life but it’s mostly been from throwing myself into things 110% and working hard, not from any sort of special talent and that drive has probably not been from some deep internal desire to succeed (at least not primarily) but more from some deep self loathing and need to change who I am to something more likeable and less worthless.

Anyway… apart from that dip a few weeks ago, I’ve been having a reasonably good run in terms of my diet and my mental health overall, and feel like it’s given me a little clarity and insight. For a fair while now I’ve been consuming content related to eating disorder recovery on top of fitness content and a big part of that recovery is learning self compassion. And part of that process has been realising that shit days are OK, everyone has them. And on those shit days….. just getting out of bed and training in some way and going to work and putting food on the table and being a husband and parent as best you can is enough. Those things are an achievement in and of themselves and I don’t have to prove a goddamn thing to anybody really. Lifting’s fun, and I want to keep doing it and get stronger and improve my form and just get better at all facets of it but fuck…. at the end of the day it’s just me and some weights and it’s utterly meaningless to anyone else. And it’s like I said to someone here at work the other day who is trying to lose weight – don’t let this shit take over your life. At the end of the day when you’re gone, people aren’t gonna remember you for how much you weigh, or how much you lift… they’ll remember how you treated other people, made them feel, and the type of person you are. Personally I’d rather be a little weaker and a little happier than a strong angry bastard who never has time for anything or anyone else.

So… with all that said… I’ve committed to following the program and taking progress at whatever pace it comes without trying to force it. That doesn’t mean I don’t have goals/aspirations – it’d still be nice to hit that 200kg squat / 220kg deadlift this year. But it seems like it’s been a long time (like maybe a year or more) since I’ve been completely niggle free, and while I’ve got myself to a reasonably happy place with food and body comp, now would probably be a really good time to just consolidate what I have and get my body feeling as good as my mind is. I still have some work to go on the food front, but I’ll get there with practice and persistence and time.

Let’s see if I regret posting this later – but it was nice to get it out of my head. Hope it maybe helps someone else too.