Insert meaningful title here.

Punching bags are a godsend at times like this. It only took 15 mins on the damn thing before I was absolutely drenched in sweat and had absolutely zero energy to be upset about anything any more. Maybe I should do it more often? My weight loss has plateaued somewhat, it might help. Not that I’m particularly upset or depressed really – just… empty.

Interestingly enough, I was wondering on the correct spelling for plateaued – so I googled the word plateaud and a number of references to weight loss popped up. Coincidence, huh? Or else perhaps that’s one of the only possible uses for the word….

Can I just say, I’m quite impressed by Maroon5 at the moment. Grabbed myself a copy of Songs About Jane the other day and I can’t seem to stop listening to it. I take it out of the CD player and put something else in for a while, but keep coming back to it….

So I’m sitting here, wondering where I should go from here. It just feels like… I don’t have much to look forward to at the moment. People at work are still being bitchy towards me, although it seems that I’m not the only one at work who thinks that those persons are being unfair and unreasonable. Sadly the people who are on my side are either too scared to speak out to the people that matter (my bosses) or are just telling me what I want to hear.

It’s made work quite unpleasant for me – for a lot of months now. I’ve had so many thoughts about quitting, but for one thing I am damn good at what I do – and for another the money is great, and without that I wouldn’t have had any of the fun that I’ve had. Indeed, if I wasn’t out having fun with the car and doing stuff, I would be absolutely miserable, and I wouldn’t have met any of the friends that I have.

Although I must admit, I sometimes wonder whether they really like me, or they just like the ute. It’s a terrible thing to think, but it’s crossed my mind….

But now things are starting to sound really depressing.

So let’s see here. My work life is currently up the shit – I’ve been banging my head against a brick wall for 12 months trying to get the staff to work with me and see that they don’t know it all, and that I’m in the job for a reason. My 2IC and probably other people are bitching about me to my area manager and our training manager and doing their best to paint me in a bad light, and I’m fighting them all the way.

My social life, what I have of one, basically consists of hanging out with a bunch of revheads – who may or may not like me for who I am. Who knows.

We’ve started a Commodore club and some of the people in that seem really nice.

Again, I have to wonder whether the people involved with that (some of them are the same people mentioned above) have other motivations for being involved.

I’ve given up drinking, I’ve given up smoking, and I’m not sure what other outlets I have other than driving irresponsibly and generally being dangerous. Which I’m trying VERY hard not to do, although I still fail sometimes. Besides which, I’m quite probably on the verge of losing my licence too which will put a total stop to that.

And where once I used to be a ball of nervous energy, lately I’m just… flat. It just feels incredibly hard to get enthusiastic about anything. And anything good that does happen just seems to melt like so much ice.

I feel like… someone who I used to care about very deeply was manic depressive. She thought (so did I) that I probably am too. The way I feel at the moment is quite similar to how she said she used to feel when she was on the medication – just kind of numb. Bright colours seem washed out and faded. It’s hard to get enthusiastic about anything – emotions just feel sort of distant and meaningless – and nothing really seems to have any rhyme or reason.

When you put too much distance between yourself and other people, you can sometimes go too far, to the point where it’s damn hard to come back.

I don’t know why I write some of this stuff, honestly. Part of me wants it to be here so that if anything ever happens to me, people can understand what’s been going on in my head. Another part of me wants it to be here so that maybe one day in the future I can look back on all this depressing dribble and draw strength from the fact that I pulled through. Those two parts are in constant opposition, and the part that’s stronger changes from day to day.

OK, a good cry hasn’t helped. Might try and sleep now…