Another episode of ‘extreme hunger’

So I had another episode last night. I’ve been logging these in a Word document, but now this blog is up, it’s probably a more appropriate place to put them.

My last episode was on Friday the 3rd of May, so it’d been 10 days or so. The trigger for that one was, as usual, a combination of restriction and stress. I had a day off work, had a busy morning running errands with E in tow, and really wanted to go to a cafe or bakery for a nice coffee and a pastry. Unfortunately with her being such a fussy eater, we couldn’t find a shop that had kiss biscuits, and she kicked off in the street so I took her home and missed out on my treat. It was after lunch that day that I went berzerker on cereals and chocolate.

Yesterday was similar. I actually had a pretty good day at work, but was obsessing all day (again) about going to the bakery and getting a coffee and some sort of sweet treat. But I refused to let myself have it, telling myself that I should save my money – which is true – I really can’t afford to be spending ten bucks a day on coffee and pastries! So got through the (short) day without it, had some cereal for afternoon tea, all good. But then I had a couple of blowups with E around dinner time, for various reasons, really wanted a nice dessert, and a second bowl of ice cream turned into half the tub, as well as copious quantities of biscuits, chocolate, coco pops, and a couple of hot chocolates, the final one with a generous spoonful of Nutella in it.

It’s worth noting that this one felt a bit different than most of my others – I didn’t feel anywhere near as manic, or out of control. I really just felt lonely, depressed and wanted sweet food. Taking photos of it for Ate gave me the opportunity to reflect at each plate refill, and I could have stopped, but I didn’t want to.

Needless to say I had another hot, heartburny night’s sleep – and not enough of it, particularly since I’d planned to be up at 5am for an early training session. At least I was well carbed up for it! As I write this, I’m midway through lifting and I feel OK. But needless to say, I’ll be going and getting that latte and croissant today, if I feel like it.

Progress – Eating ‘Clean’ and Obsessing Over Nutritional Facts

In a related post I outlined how I would obsessively track and weigh all my food in MyFitnessPal to try and keep my calories and individual macronutrients as perfect and evenly spread through the day as I could. The other facet of this that of course I was obsessed with keeping fats down, keeping carbohydrate low (except around times of high activity like training) and keeping protein high, which meant I had to cut out pretty much any ‘junk’ food (most of it wouldn’t fit into my macros anyway) and I spent lots and lots of time looking at the nutrition labels on everything I purchased from the supermarket and everything I ate. This also used to cause a lot of anxiety when eating food prepared by others, both when eating out as well as family occasions, work functions, etc.

Thankfully, since I stopped tracking food in MyFitnessPal this has almost become a thing of the past and I’m now quite capable of buying and/or eating things without looking at the label. The temptation is still there a lot of the time, but mostly I am able to ignore it. Sometimes if I need to look at the packet (for example, I cooked some frozen oven bake vegetables the other night and needed to look at the cooking instructions) and I’m tempted, I’ll just cover them with my fingers so I don’t even accidentally see them. Other times I will look at them just for kicks but I will say to myself that if I am going to look at them that I am not going to let the macros influence my decision, I am eating whatever it is, regardless!

As far as the calorie/macro breakdown of food, I do still have goals of developing a decent physique so I still try to eat good quality foods most of the time, however I try to adhere to the 80/20 rule and allow myself plenty of treats. Not only that, but I am well aware that part of recovering from this thing fully is to teach my brain that no foods are off limits, so I need to regularly eat my fear foods, in order that they can just become ordinary foods again. I learnt the hard way, as I’ve been going through my extreme hunger phase, that any time I am craving something and I choose not to have it, it almost always results in a bigger feast (what I would call a binge) later on. And those episodes of extreme hunger are not fun – I don’t enjoy or savor the food because I am slamming it down so manically, and the digestive after effects last a day or two and impact on my ability to eat meals with my family. Plus psychologically they make me feel like shit – so I’m far better to just eat the fucking food and enjoy it!

And speaking of enjoyment – eating out and those family occasions are so. much. easier. now – I can just go and eat without guilt, mostly. I do still try to make healthy choices – both for my physique goals as well as my feeling of well being, because there are certain foods (mostly very high-fat ones) that will leave me feeling bloated and heartburny even in small quantities. I just have to be careful to make sure I’m restricting those foods for the right reasons and not listening to Dmitry.

 

Progress – Macro Tracking And Food Weighing

As mentioned in my List of ED symptoms post, for many years I had been obsessively tracking calories/macros using MyFitnessPal, obsessively weighing food wherever possible, and planning my nutrition to a T. Ostensibly this was to ensure that my diet was on point and optimised for whatever my goal was at the time (whether that was fat loss or muscle gain). There were a heap of food rules around this, such as:

  • Making sure overall daily calories weren’t too excessive, so that I could eat a large enough meal at dinner time and before bed to feel at least somewhat satiated
  • Ensuring that every meal contained at least 30g of protein (but not too much!) to ensure maximum muscle protein synthesis
  • Attempting to spread those protein feedings over at least 4-5 meals a day
  • Trying to keep carbs a little higher pre and post training sessions; and keep them lower at other times of the day, particularly on days I knew I’d be more sedentary
  • To keep fats down as low as possible – especially if I knew the family dinner (the one meal I don’t really have complete control over) was going to be higher in fats/calories

I ate like this for three years solid, with only a couple of very short breaks of 1-2 weeks at a time  when the family were away on holidays and it was difficult to sustain. The end result was that I felt constantly hungry, grumpy, exhausted and sore. Even when trying to ‘bulk’ I almost never ate enough, because I was so fearful of gaming fat, so aside from one short period where I was letting Avatar Nutrition set my macros, my metabolism almost never normalised and I was constantly in energy deficit.

If I was forced to eat food I hadn’t prepared, this would cause me great anxiety. Going out for a meal was a nightmare – I’d always want to know where we were going in advance, so that I could spend hours poring over the menu and trying to figure out what to have. And since most restaurants around here don’t publish nutritional information it also meant spending ridiculous amounts of time looking through MyFitnessPal’s database comparing similar meals to try and estimate what the macros would be, and planning the rest of the day’s meals to try and compensate for the restaurant meal inevitably being more calorie dense than usual.

Don’t even get me started on Christmas dinners and work functions and any other occasion where I had to try and wing it. I actively tried to avoid most of these, with a fair amount of success. But when I couldn’t, they were a major mindfuck, and inevitably I either ate nothing, or ate too much (in my head), felt guilty and compensated by going walking for long periods and/or restricting subsequent meals.

This was probably one of the most stressful parts of my eating disorder, and I am so glad to be able to write about it in the past tense. I used to tell myself that I’m a numbers guy, and I enjoy having good data on the foods I’m consuming, but in reality it was a massive life thief (to steal a phrase from Christy Harrison) – I know some people have success with it (and I did too, to begin with) but with my tendencies towards obsessiveness and OCD type behaviours, it wasn’t good for me in the long term.

The story of how I gave it up is straightforward. I started experiencing more and more regular episodes of binge eating (and I tracked those binges in MyFitnessPal as best I could) and I eventually recognised that the obsessive tracking and controlling was probably a contributing factor. So to start with, I stopped tracking carbs and fats and just attempted to track protein. That didn’t help much, so on Feb 1st 2019 after another late night biscuit and cereal rampage I decided just to stop tracking and weighing and just try to eat mindfully in an attempt to stop the binges. It didn’t work, and I still experienced (and gave in to) extreme hunger many times afterwards, but I just never went back to tracking.

I was so proud of my record with tracking that I continued to login to the MyFitnessPal app and website daily to keep my ‘streak’ going (their system tells you how many consecutive days you’ve used it in an effort to encourage consistency). The last time I checked it was at 1200 plus days, but then in mid May 2019 I realised I’d forgotten to do it and I logged in to discover my streak had been reset. I thought this would bother me, but it really didn’t. So I took the opportunity to delete the app from my phone and cancel my premium subscription, and can’t see myself ever going back.

On a related note, in early May I started using another app to track food called ‘Ate‘. This might seem a bit strange, after everything I’ve just written, but the process and purpose is completely different. It is simply a food journal, where I take a photo of the meal and ask myself some questions about the circumstances of the meal as well as how I feel pre and post eating. It encourages mindfulness and has been really helpful in learning how to eat like a human again – after so many years of ‘eating by numbers’ I’d completely lost touch with my body’s hunger and satiety signals. In my efforts to eat ‘clean’ all the time, I’d also largely forgotten which foods that I really enjoyed and didn’t, and which foods made me feel good and bad.

The voice has a name

Don’t all the best ideas come to us in the bathroom?

In an earlier post today I suggested that I should give my ED voice a name, then as I was drying off after my shower it came to me:

My ED Voice.

M.E.D.V.

Medvedev.

Dmitry.

Its name is Dmitry.

Not a reflection on the man himself, you understand, I know nothing of his politics or character, but now whenever that voice pops into my head telling me things that I don’t need to hear, I can just say ‘shut up Dmitry’. For added effect, I could say it in a terrible Russian accent and/or picture myself punching him in the face.

And then of course, I need to do exactly the opposite of what he’s telling me to do.

 

A list of my ED symptoms

Below I’ve listed some of the behaviours and signs that I felt were symptomatic of a full blown eating disorder. Over time I’ll try and expand a little more on what I mean by each one, in case a one line summary isn’t clear enough.

I originally started writing this list in August 2018 but never published it. At the time of writing this post (May 2019) it’s nice to be able to look down this list and realise that I’ve made heaps of progress in reducing and in some cases completely eliminating these things from my life. In these cases, I’ll try to create separate posts to explain how I came to fix these issues as time permits.

Update 24th July 2019: I’ve done another review of these symptoms and many of them are gone or greatly reduced. I posted about it here.

  • Overly obsessive about tracking and weighing – even weighing things like salad greens. I am completely free of this now, see my progress post!
  • Overly obsessive about the ‘perfect’ macros. Getting 30ish grams of protein every meal etc. Also gone, see my progress post!
  • Obsessively looking at nutrition labels when shopping. Mostly gone, see my progress post!
  • Anxiety when forced to eat anything without a nutrition label – to the point of avoiding family occasions and eating out, and taking over virtually all the cooking at home. This is totally gone now, and I just don’t care any more – see my progress post!
  • Restricting food all day in order to hoard macros for an evening feast. Progress here – see my progress post!
  • A ‘scarcity mindset’ – going to the supermarket multiple times per week to ensure all the staples are always available to make the ‘perfect’ meal with the right macronutrient breakdown. See https://tabithafarrar.com/2018/05/brain-malnutrition-scarcity-mode/ I’ve made progress here too – see my progress post!
  • Refusal to eat certain types of foods that aren’t ‘healthy’. No chocolate, no regular (high fat/carb) ice cream, very little cheese (or any full fat/high carb dairy), no pastries, very few biscuits/cakes, etc. Good progress – see my progress post!
  • Fear of excess carbohydrate/fat – to the point where I was generally eating under 40g fat per day, and sometimes under 30g. Tried to eat low carb whenever I didn’t feel like I was active enough. Also good progress – see my progress post!
  • Seasoning all my meals like mad to try and make things tasty. Pepper, salt, low calorie sauces like sriracha / Walden Farms, mustard etc. Tick this one off – see my progress post!
  • Microwaving teas and coffees right after making them so that they’re nuclear level hot – to try and make them last longer so I enjoyed them more. Tick this one off too – see my progress post!
  • Very moody especially around meal times if I wasn’t left alone to eat. ‘Bullguarding’ food. Not so much now – see my progress post!
  • Started craving carbs (especially stuff like breakfast cereal and sweet stuff like sugar) really badly particularly after I started on TRT. Would eat some erythritol straight out of the packet every time I made a hot drink. Still love the carbs – but think that’s normal – see my progress post!
  • Compulsions to move. Getting anxious when not hitting at least 250 steps/hr and 10k steps/day – to the point of walking round the room in the middle of meals, or tapping my thigh to get step counts up. Almost gone – see my progress post!
  • Walking after every meal; which is not in and of itself a bad thing (in my opinion) but getting anxious about it when the weather is bad or I’m otherwise unable to go for a walk immediately after eating is disordered. Good progress – now I walk for joy, not because I feel compelled – see my progress post!
  • Over reliance on supplements. Creatine, whey protein, casein protein, vitamin D, BCAAs, Ashwaghanda, ZMA, Pre-Workout, and others at various times. I still take supps but not so many – see my progress post!
  • Over reliance on caffeine especially as an appetite suppressant. Drank a lot of black coffee – which I don’t dislike – but it was one of the causes of major bladder flare ups. Good progress – see my progress post!
  • Obsession with gut health. Started consuming lots of different stuff for this – regularly drinking kombucha, apple cider vinegar, and eating sauerkraut, kimchi and those type of foods. Still there, but I don’t consider this a major concern at this point – see my progress post!
  • Binge eating! Although most ED recovery resources would call this ‘extreme hunger’. This didn’t start until I allowed myself to eat more, and my metabolism improved a bit, then the floodgates opened and things got worse before they improved. They’re still happening, but less frequently now, and I’m logging them to identify triggers.

The Association Between Food and Movement

So today I lifted weights again, for the fourth day in a row. I’m pretty sore, and really wasn’t super keen to train, but I’m planning to deload next week so I want to really put in a big effort this week and get as much stimulus to build muscle as I can while I’m eating in a surplus.

At least, that’s the sensible part of my brain talking.

Underlying that (relatively) sensible thought, was my ED voice. (Sidebar: maybe I should give that voice a name – I’ve heard of others doing this and I think it’s a technique used in CBT). Anyway, the ED voice was saying something a little more irrational. At breakfast, it was something like ‘if you train, you can eat a bigger breakfast, because you’ll burn off those carbs’. So I ate two extra pieces of toast at breakfast.

It also had a followup, which was something like ‘you have a 300 gram rump steak in the fridge for dinner tonight. If you don’t train, then it would be such a waste of all that protein and you will probably just get fatter!’ – I always feel like I have to ‘earn’ my food. This is so fucking irrational. I need to eat. I deserve to eat. I don’t have to bloody well earn it. It’s something I NEED to do no matter whether I train or not.

This association between food and movement is an ED hallmark, for me I have a bit of a double whammy in that not only do I have lifting (which is really important to me, as I still have aspirations of looking somewhat muscled at least once in my life) but I also have the Fitbit giving me anxiety around whether I achieve 250 steps every hour and 10k steps every day. The latter is less of an issue these days – honestly, I could probably take the Fitbit off, if I wanted to – I’ve had many occasions lately where work or other commitments have prevented me from getting up and moving and the anxiety about that is significantly less these days. But I do still believe there are legitimate health benefits to taking a 10 minute walk after every meal in terms of digestion, blood sugar regulation, and those sorts of things, as well as just a chance to get some alone time with one’s own thoughts. So even if I didn’t wear it, I think I’d probably still try to do those little walks when I could.

Training 13/12/17

Wed 13/12: Deadlift

Food yesterday: 2557 kcal (2588 kcal target)

Activity yesterday: 11.7k steps

Sleep last night: 6 hrs 49 mins – 50 mins awake

AM BW: 71.2kg (+0.2kg from yesterday)

Deadlift:
80kg 1×5
105kg 1×5
125g 1×3
145kg 1×2 @ 10 (PR, +2.5kg), 1×1 @ 10
140kg 1×2 @ 10

Front Squat (with straps):
20kg 2×5
45kg 1×5
60kg 1×3
75kg 1×2 (oops) @ 9.5
70kg 5×3 @ 9ish

Slingshot Bench Press:
20kg 2×5
45kg 1×5
60kg 1×5
70kg 1×2
80kg 1xF
70kg 2×2
65kg 1×5

GPP Superset – 4 rounds:
KB Swings 25lbs x 50, 25lbs x 25, 22.5lbs x 25, 22.5lbs x 30

alternating with

Weighted stepups 25lbs / side x 10 per leg

Flailing and failing:

Session notes:
– Finally a PR, but with horrible roundy back form. I’m sure it wasn’t this bad when I pulled 142.5kg for doubles. And I got it for sets across last time, but on the second attempt there was just no way.
– Screwed up front squats, had the spotters misaligned and hit them in the hole on the 3rd rep at 75kg. I think I probably could have got triples there but backed off a little anyway since I was planning 5 sets.
– Slingshot turned up today, and I couldn’t wait to try it out so did some work that wasn’t in the RX. Really liked it. Not sure how much it added – I still can’t hit an 80kg bench but was closer… what I will say is those doubles @ BW and even the fives flew up compared to what they would have without it. So it’s definitely added something.
– Dat GPP doe….. 50 reps of KB swings was too much, I was thinking about dropping it and at 25 reps on the second set the locking pin flew out of my adjustable kettlebell and I was lucky not to smash something. Figured that was a sign and dropped to lower reps. Added an extra round though so still did plenty of work.
– Anbsolutely epic session. Wasn’t SUPER long at 88 minutes, because I pushed the pace a bit especially the benching and GPP. It was hot in my gym and I was drenched in sweat by the end. Not too DOMset this morning, surprisingly. Have a wonderful day all!

Training 15/10/17

Sun 15/10: Squat

Food yesterday: 2388 kcal

Activity yesterday: 9.8k steps

Sleep last night: 8 hrs 59 mins – 52 mins awake

AM BW: 73.9kg (-0.9kg from yesterday)

Low Bar Back Squat:
2×5 @ 20kg
1×5 @ 50kg
1×5 @ 70kg
— Belt on (5th hole) —
1×5 @ 90kg
1×2 @ 110kg was supposed to be a triple
1xF @ 130kg Gah
1xF @ 125kg FFS
3×2 @ 120kg

Narrow Stance High Bar Back Squat:
3×10 @ 80kg (beltless)

Weighted Step Ups:
3×10 / side @ 50lbs (25lb dumbbells)

Work sets, including fails:

So for the past few days I’ve just been trying to hit my protein target but reduce carbs/fat from what I had been eating before we went overseas. I was aiming for about 2500-2600kcal. Unfortunately I was lazy and just relied on the calorie number that MFP spat out (it showed 2550kcal yesterday) but if I actually add up the macros it was a couple of hundred calories lower. Seeing as I’ve dropped 1.7kg in 3 days, I’ve definitely been in a bigger deficit than I intended and lost too much too quick. Anyway, turned Avatar on to fast fat loss this morning and got some macros to aim for – 305C / 197P / 74F for 2674 calories. It wants me to lose 0.9kg a week, which would get me back to around 70kg or so if I manage to do it for 4 weeks straight. Definitely don’t want to go any longer than that. Going to attempt it with no more than one cardio session a week (other than walking). Then I’ll start bulking again at a more realistic pace.

Felt like shit this morning, probably partly due to the weight loss. Mentally and physically not in a great place to train, but gotta be done.

Session notes:
– Low bar squats sucked. I really shouldn’t have even gone for the 130kg but I squatted it for singles a few weeks ago, figured I might be able to get doubles now. Maybe I could have if I’d kept eating for performance. Anyway, failed it, then basically gave up on 125kg in the hole and didn’t even try – think it had me beat psychologically before I even started. Dropped back to 120kg and did doubles there, and they were freaking tough. Even with long breaks. And without quite hitting depth. And especially when the bar got forward. FFS.
– The high bar squats were a pleasant surprise after that. Added 5kg to the weight I did for 10s last session, didn’t hurt my neck like last time (thanks to ithryn’s thread elsewhere, I racked it a little lower). Was supposed to be descending sets but the first one was not challenging enough so I did sets across instead. Definitely need to add maybe 10-15kg for the top set next time especially if I’m in better shape nutritionally.
– I don’t think step ups do much except pump some blood into the legs and help with conditioning. As if they weren’t tired already 🙂
– I was due a shitty workout, but even this wasn’t that bad in the end and at least it’s explainable. Took 1hr 15 mins all up.

Sadly, holidays are over and it’s back to the work grind tomorrow. At least my sleep debt is wiped out, for now…. Have a great day people of the interwebs!

Training 12/10/17

Got back yesterday. Horribly jet lagged – got close to 12 hours sleep but still tired. Wife and daughter stayed in bed until almost 3pm, something like 16 or 17 hours!!

Disappointed to have gained so much weight while we were gone. I made a real effort to eat sensibly and not binge on shit food, and thought I’d done a pretty decent job until the final 24 hours – went pretty badly on the plane (it didn’t help that my daughter wouldn’t eat much of her food, and I couldn’t avoid the temptation of having it sitting in front of me to help dispose of it), and had a bit of a binge on chocolate and biscuits before bed last night. Tiredness and stress got to me. Anyway, at least some of it is lean mass, I think. Going to just track and let things level out for a few days, on Sunday I’ll flick Avatar back on and do a 4 week mini cut just to get things back under control.

That was one of the reasons I forced myself to train tonight, also the fact that the sooner I get back into a normal routine the sooner my body clock will sort itself out. Might be able to squeeze this week’s 3 sessions into 4 days, we’ll see how things go…..

Thu 12/10: Deadlift

Food yesterday: No idea. Did not track. But it was lots….

Activity yesterday: 7.3k steps, on planes and stuff

Sleep last night: 11 hrs 45 mins – 1 hr 40 mins awake, eww

AM BW: 75.6kg – yikes. Up 2.8kg from before we left

Deadlift:
1×5 @ 90kg
1×5 @ 105kg
1×3 @ 120kg
3×5 @ 135kg (new PR, +2.5kg)

Paused Box Squats:
2×5 @ 20kg
1×5 @ 45kg
1×5 @ 70kg
1×5 @ 80kg
— Belt on — (still managed 5th hole… just…. yay!)
1×5 @ 90kg
1×5 @ 100kg
1×2 @ 107.5 (bah – it’s a PR, but was supposed to be five, damnit)
1×3 @ 105kg

Kettlebell Swings (with dumbbell):
5×15 @ 47.5lbs

Ab Roller:
3×15

Videos are back:


And so is my Instagram: Deadlifts Squats

Session notes:
– The deadlifting was a pleasant surprise, didn’t feel awful, and managed sets across, but I think it took a bit out of me.
– Was always feeling a bit ominous about the pause squats, went for a conservative PR, but the second rep was a max effort jobbie so I pulled out of it and took a little weight off to finish. Having reviewed the video from this session and the last time I did them, I think the setups are slightly different – looks like this time the seat is set slightly lower, though the bench might not be quite as vertical which compensates a bit. I definitely think there’s an inch or two more ROM this time though.
– I liked kettlebell swings when I did them the other day but they were upsetting my janky shoulder using the dumbbell. May have already been sore from deadlifting too.
– Almost bailed on the ab work, since I did some situps on Tuesday (and the kettlebell swings work the core to a certain extent anyway). But they were only sets of 15 so did ’em while I edited the video.
– I knew this was gonna be a bitch of a session, especially in my current state. But got it done anyway in 1hr 28 minutes and as usual, felt much better afterwards than before. I’m back, baby!

Happy training everyone!

Training 10/10/17

Tue 10/10: Something something posterior chain / press / abs

Food yesterday: No idea. Did not track.

Activity yesterday: 8.2k steps, but screwed up cos timezone changes

Sleep last night: 3 hrs 15 mins – 20 mins awake – but again timezone blah

AM BW: NFI

Bulgarian Split Squats (dumbbell):
4×10 @ 20kg/side

Dumbbell RDLs:
3×20 @ 20kg/side

Seated Dumbbell Press:
1×12 @ 15kg/side (33.06lbs)
1×10, 2×9 @ 17.5kg/side (38.58lbs)

Incline Bench Press (dumbbell):
1×3 @ 20kg/side (44.09lbs) – felt too heavy and I was tired
1×10, 2×12 @ 17.5kg/side (38.58lbs)

Decline Situps:
3×20

Session notes:
– In the hotel gym at Changi, while the wife and daughter are sleeping off the timezone change. Dumbbells up to 20kg, an adjustable bench, a spin bike and an (out of order) treadmill. So this was kinda just to get a pump and work off some of the bloat from sitting on a plane for 12 hours doing nothing but eating shit food and binge watching The Sopranos.
– Its fairly warm and humid here. Pushing 30deg C in the gym.
– 52 minutes. Like it. The pool looks inviting now. Have a fantastic day!

London, days 3&4

It’s been an epic couple of days.

Big deadlift training session yesterday, followed by a busy day doing touristy stuff – visited Kensington Palace, the Natural History Museum, Harrods, had dinner in our hotel room, went to bed.

Today was full on – slept poorly again, woke up at 5am or so, as did the child so we had a nice breakfast together and let a Clare get some sleep.

Went out, and since the attractions we wanted to visit didn’t open til 10, went to Maplin and bought some new Bluetooth headphones so I can hand my ‘cheapo’ set down to Emilia, they kept her pretty amused on the flight over watching Peppa Pig and The Wiggles on Clare’s tablet. New ones actually have active noise cancelling (which works surprisingly well) and come with a plane adapter so I can use them with the aircraft screens too. I started watching The Sopranos on the way over and can see myself binge watching some more on the way home, and the plane earbuds are annoying.

Emilia fell asleep at that point. Then it was the Lego store in Leicester Square, and the M&M World store across the way. We woke her up for this since she loves M&Ms and we bought her some personalised ones. Maybe this was a bad idea as of course she started on the choccies fairly early in the day.

Off to the London Eye after that, by the time we queued up three times (long story) and got on the thing, she was fairly hyper, but I think she enjoyed it. I didn’t, so much, as due to copious coffee and my prostate issues I was a bit preoccupied but there was nothing to be done once we were in the queue. I fair dinkum nearly bowled some people over running down the stairs to the loo as soon as we got off….. oh well, I’ve been on it before anyway.

Then it was late lunchtime, I had a slight meltdown dealing with Emmy as she was getting pretty hyper by this point, it was her normal nap time. Ate something, went and got another coffee, while her and Clare played with some tame squirrels in the park and got some amazing photos.

The weather started looking ominous at this point but we decided to stick with the original plan and get on the boat to Greenwich so we headed over there. Emmy wanted to go on a seesaw so we went to the children’s playground but she was too shy and tired to play, and even ice cream couldn’t save us from a minor meltdown. We headed back to the boat and managed to keep her occupied (or was it the other way round?) all the way back to Embankment and our hotel.

Then it was off to pick up some groceries and have Pizza Hut for dinner. I had mixed feelings about this, but made a virtuous choice of pizza (a ‘feel good flatbread’) and filled up on salad – so while I ate plenty of volume, don’t think I overate too much, calorie wise. Back to the hotel, bathe the child and put to bed, she was out like a light in 5 minutes flat – let’s hope she doesn’t wake up too early so I can watch the F1 in peace!

End result, 20k+ steps today, we are all knackered, and looking forward to hopefully a quieter day tomorow!

London, day 1&2

Well we finally made it to England late yesterday afternoon after 2 days of travelling and about 20 hours cooped up in 3 different planes. The good news is that Clare’s new travel sickness medication seemed to work pretty well and Emilia was far less of a handful than I expected so we arrived tired but in pretty good spirits.

Our accommodation isn’t quite as nice as our last two trips – but on the upside it’s cheaper, we have more space, and since it’s an apartment we can self cater. There’s also a gym right next door that’s free for hotel guests to use – I’ll train more than I thought I would.

We’ve had a pretty decent day today – did the hop on hop off bus tour, showed Emilia a lot of the sights including Buckingham Palace, Trafalgar Square and Westminster. She ran out of gas and fell asleep just before we arrived at Hamley’s which was a pretty incredible experience, a toy shop like something out of Harry Potter, with stuff going in everywhere you look! Part of me thinks it was a shame she missed it and part of me is glad as I don’t think we’d have been able to leave without a scene….

Anyway I’ve trained, been a tourist all day, cooked dinner and written a wedding speech tonight – so really it’s been a pretty decent day all round. Hope the rest of our trip goes like this! Photos later 🙂

Blog revamp

So – in preparation for our holiday the blog has a new theme and I’ve given it a bit of a spruce up! Have got some more ideas for things I’d like to do with it, but will see if time permits.

Enjoy 🙂

About Me

I’m a forty-something bloke, who’s lucky enough to have married a lovely lady, and we’ve even managed to multiply and raise a daughter who is growing up very fast. I went through a bit of a metamorphosis in 2016, lost a lot of weight, and since then I spend a lot of time strength training and trying to improve myself.

This blog has been in existence for a very long time (since 2004) and obviously my views and attitudes to life have changed a fair bit over that time. It’s interesting to see how one evolves.

I’ll elaborate on this a bit more at some point in the future 🙂

Training 25/09/17

Mon 25/09: Squat + Bench Press

Food yesterday: No idea. Did not track.

Activity yesterday: 12.7k steps

Sleep last night: 7 hrs 14 mins – 34 mins awake

AM BW: 72.8kg (up 0.1kg from yesterday)

Squat:
2×5 @ 20kg
1×5 @ 45kg
1×5 @ 65kg
— Belt on (5th hole) —
1×3 @ 85kg
1×2 @ 100kg
1×1 @ 115kg
3×1 @ 130kg (PR… +5kg!)
2×6 @ 110kg (big rep PR.. like 12.5kg I think!)

Bench Press
2×5 @ 20kg
1×5 @ 45kg
1×3 @ 60kg
1×2 @ 70kg
1xF @ 77.5kg nup
1xF @ 76kg double nup FFS
1×1 @ 65kg
2×6 @ 60kg (equal PR)

Incline Bench
2×5 @ 20kg
1×8, 1×10, 1×9 @ 40kg

Seated Dumbbell Curl:
3×12 @ 25lbs / side

Supersetted with

Dips:
3×10 @ BW

Big video today – still uploading:


And also some gramzgoodness: #showyerfailz

It feels awfully weird to not be tracking and weighing food. But not bad. I am just scared to overeat and come back heaps heavier, as I am planning on a shortish cut when we get back.

Squeezed one more training session in, but we fly out tomorrow and I will be lucky if I get 2 sessions in in the next fortnight. So rather than starting another cycle of eights I decided to deviate from the programming, pull a bigger session and attempt some 1RMs. Basically a mish mash of whatever I felt like doing.

Session notes:
– Big squat PR. Was tough, but might have had another kilo or so in me. Back off work was exhausting (and a bit shallow, on video) but jubilant. Just wish I could stop the damn bar getting forward out of the hole! That’s what’s putting the extra work on my lower back for sure.
– Disappointed I missed any sort of 1 rep PR on bench. Thought I’d have at least had another kg in me the way things have been going, but probably a bit tired after squatting too. Even 65kg felt like too much to do for back off work (should’ve rested longer, fails are fatiguing) so I dropped weight even lower.
– Went a little lighter on the incline bench to allow for fatigue, glad I did. Bit below my best, but got some volume in.
– That pesky left forearm pain started showing up again during the curls. Got them done, slowly, stayed away from failure on dips especially.
– Pretty awesome session, took 104 minutes, and I was #rekt by the end. Could’ve so easily sat on my arse (or started packing, which is what the wife is doing) – gonna pack lifting shoes, hope I can find a decent gym in the UK!
– Have a great day/night all!

Training 20/09/17

Sat 23/09: Back Assistance / Hypertrophy

Food yesterday: Target: 3361 kcal / Actual: 3381 kcal – macros bang on

Activity yesterday: 13.4k steps

Sleep last night: 6 hrs 26 mins – 43 mins awake

AM BW: 72.8kg (up 0.3kg from yesterday)

Pull Ups:
3, 3, 5, 4, 4, 3, 3, 2, 2, 4, 3, 3, 3, 3, 3, 3, 3 @ BW
All on maximum 2 min rests (mostly 60 seconds)

Dumbbell Rows:
4×12 @ 42.5lbs (PR)

Shrugs:
4×15, 1×12, 1×5 @ 70kg (PR)
(60 second rests)

No video today.

Weight keeps going up, but body fat is static. This, I like.

Session notes:
– I did this workout fasted first thing in the morning before the girls got out of bed. Also it had only been ~17 hours or so since the press work out and sleep was ordinary. Strength felt pretty down, not that I’m ever good with pull ups anyway.
– Took me half an hour to get through the pullups. Was hell.
– Rows and shrugs were OK. Probably should’ve used straps for the shrugs like Andy said, was struggling with grip by the end and forearms were rock hard, which is why I didn’t quite get sets across. Oh well.
– A nice 55 minute session to start the day. This might be my last lifting session for a while, we’ll see I guess. Have a fantastic day, lifters of the internet!

Training 22/09/17

Fri 22/09: Press

Food yesterday: Target: 3267 kcal / Actual: 3169 kcal – macros fine

Activity yesterday: 12.2k steps

Sleep last night: 7 hrs 7 mins – 64 mins awake(!)

AM BW: 72.5kg (down 0.1kg from yesterday)

Overhead Press:
2×5 @ 20kg
1×5 @ 35kg
1×2 @ 42.5kg
1×2 @ 49kg (new PR, +1kg)
1×1+F @ 50kg overreached
2×2 @ 49kg
1xF @ 51.5kg ffffff
1×9 @ 38kg
1×9 @ 37.5kg
1×10 @ 36kg

Lateral Raises:
12.5lbs / side x 15, 12, 12, 12, 12, 15
60 second rests

Dumbbell LTEs:
20lbs / side x 20
22.5lbs / side x 15, 10
20lbs / side x 15, 12
17.5lbs / side x 15, 16
Also 60 second rests

Instagram: Click here
Video of work sets:

I’m now officially on leave from work. This is excellent.
Strangely, after sitting at 15% body fat consistently for the past few days, the scales started reading in the thirteens this morning. I haven’t grown tons of muscle overnight but there is definitely still plenty of lean mass gains occuring. Hate to stop training while progress is going so well, but the break will be nice and hopefully it will come back quick.

Session notes:
– Another little PR for doubles on the press. First one went up so easily I thought I’d try a little more, but that was wishful thinking 🙁
– Decided to try for a 1RM after doing the doubles, didn’t try very hard, to be fair. Should’ve probably jumped up a slightly smaller amount.
– The back off work was actually a bit of a regression over last time, did an extra set to compensate. Probably fatigue is all.
– The accessory work was just a mad pump. My shoulders and triceps were absolutely swole. First set of tricep exensions don’t look that great on video but form got a bit better as I went.
– Just a nice session for 69 minutes. Awesome sauce. Have a fantastic day/night all!

I’m baaaaacckkk

Wow, it’s been over 6 years since I actually posted anything. Lots has happened!

We’ve had overseas holidays.
I’ve changed jobs – multiple times.
We’ve moved house.
We’ve got married.
We’ve got a beautiful daughter (who is now more than 2 years old and growing fast).
I started this year at about 106kg, dieted down to 68kg at one point (in August) and now started weight training to try and put on some muscle. Currently a svelte 72kg and working hard – it’s become a bit of an obsession, and I may have an addiction to Quest bars. Fitbit and MyFitnessPal have become a fairly large part of my life, as has my workout log. Which is not here.
As a result of this, I’ve become a morning person. In 40 years, this is a totally new thing but it’s by necessity. It’s not really possible to train in the evenings due to family commitments, so it’s early mornings or nothing.

Blabstinence

Last night, lying half asleep in bed, I made the momentous decision that I need a break from social media. In my groggy, half crazed state I tried to come up with a word for leaving the virtual conversation for a while and this was the best catchword I could think of to describe it – a nice portmanteau of ‘blog’ and ‘abstinence’. And no, I haven’t googled it – so if someone already coined the term, as they probably have, I promise I came up with it independently.

Recently there’s been a lot of talk of internet usage rewiring people’s brains – much of the debate sparked by Nicholas Carr‘s recent article, “Is Google Making Us Stupid?”. And all I can say is – parts of this article rings as true for me as anything I’ve ever read.

The quote:

My mind isn’t going—so far as I can tell—but it’s changing. I’m not thinking the way I used to think. I can feel it most strongly when I’m reading. Immersing myself in a book or a lengthy article used to be easy. My mind would get caught up in the narrative or the turns of the argument, and I’d spend hours strolling through long stretches of prose. That’s rarely the case anymore. Now my concentration often starts to drift after two or three pages. I get fidgety, lose the thread, begin looking for something else to do. I feel as if I’m always dragging my wayward brain back to the text. The deep reading that used to come naturally has become a struggle.

elicited nods reminiscent of a bobble headed toy when I first read this article. Or should I say, skimmed it. Because yes, it’s true – I completely empathise with Carr that after many, many years of high intensity internet use, I have a very difficult time focussing on an article even of that modest length and reading it start to finish. My mind skips to the next paragraph and then the next, looking for interesting tidbits to purloin from each block of text, and I’m continually dragging myself back to where I was up to. Even when I do read it, the amount my brain absorbs is negligible unless it’s something I’m really interested in. As the great Arthur Conan Doyle said (via Sherlock Holmes) –

man should keep his little brain attic stocked with all the furniture that he is likely to use, and the rest he can put away in the lumber-room of his library, where he can get it if he wants it.

When Holmes said this, he was referring to his lack of knowledge on any subject which wasn’t related to his detective work. His point was that he consciously chose to discard information that he felt would not be directly relevant to solving cases – if he didn’t do this, then he would soon find useless information taking the place of important knowledge and pushing it out.

Right now I feel like my brain is overstimulated. The internet is like masturbation for the mind, and after a decade or more of constant exercise, it’s starting to feel a bit… flaccid. Remembering things is difficult. If I can’t remember something my instant reaction is to Google it. If I’m bored, I have about 8 different forums that I regularly use for conversation, plus a constant stream of witty, useless, interesting and downright rude updates in my Twitter client, as well as Facebook (which I rarely use – SHUN THE UNBELIEVER), email conversations, online shopping, and goodness knows what else.

The point is – it’s amazing that I get any work done at all. (I am on my lunch break as I write this). There is more distraction than there is production. There is more trivia than there is consequence. And I’m just plain dog tired.

So, my Twitter client is off now. The forum tabs are all closed down, bar one favourite (which is also work related). It’s time to make my own entertainment – at least in the time I’m supposed to be working (which between my day job and my personal projects is about 10 hours a day). And there is silence. No stream of news and joke links popping up from Twitter. No tweets about trivialities or conversations about TV shows. I’m not quite sure what I’ll do with myself – but surely it can’t hurt.

The Gillard-Abbott Challenge

Well, the challenge is on. After an anxious 17 day post-election wait, Australians finally know for sure who will be running the country for the next three years – or possibly less. The ALP, led by Julia Gillard, will form a minority government – while needing the support of either the opposition, or at least 4 of the 5 Independent and Greens MPs to pass legislation through the lower house. From July next year she’ll also have to gain the support of either the Coalition or the Greens to get legislation past the Senate as well.

Is this the election outcome the majority of Australians wanted? The jury is still out, but the answer in my opinion is no. Voters decisively removed the mandate they’d given to Kevin Rudd’s government in 2007 – which suggests they are unhappy with the ALP’s performance. However they didn’t give the Coalition a majority so a Tony Abbott led government was not an overwhelmingly popular choice either. They wanted change, but they weren’t quite sure what they wanted to change to. The proof will be in the pudding, really – if this government is successful, we can say the people made exactly the right decision; if it collapses before its time, there will be many voters and indeed some Independent MPs wondering whether they made the right choice. But only time will tell.

Without focussing on the reasons the ALP lost its majority, or the reasons the coalition didn’t gain one, I thought it appropriate to start moving forward (to borrow a phrase) and look at what this means for the future of our parliament.

While we’ve been waiting for a decision from the Independents on which party they’d support to govern the country, many political commentators have been loudly proclaiming the virtues of a minority government, citing examples where it has been successful in the past at state level. However there has been a notable lack of mention of the times it has failed – for example the last Federal minority government which was led by Menzies after the 1940 election, and fell apart in 1941 when 2 Independents switched sides. The Labor-Green accord in Tasmania from 1989, which lasted just over a year (though elections were not held until 2 years later) is another example where a fragile alliance couldn’t withstand the rigors of a full term of government. This event generated such animosity between the Tasmanian Greens and Labor Party that ill feelings still exist to this day. Having just come back from the UK I feel that the Conservative-Liberal Democrat alliance there is relatively fragile; it’s also generated extreme division amongst both parties, with a real risk that they (particularly the Lib-Dems) will suffer electorally for it. This runs a very real risk of distracting executive government from doing the job they were elected to do in representing the people.

Ultimately, minority government is a major risk for both sides, but more so for the parties involved in the so-called rainbow coalition. As Rob Oakeshott said in his press conference yesterday – ‘It’ll be ugly – but it’ll be beautiful in it’s ugliness’ – I would suggest that there will definitely be ugliness, but the beauty, maybe, not so much. Let’s see how it goes.

What our elected representatives have facing them now is a great challenge in making this work. The prize, ultimately, is the respect of the Australian people and the opportunity to govern as a party in their own right.

Julia Gillard has been handed an opportunity to prove that all her talk about consensus building is not just hot air. Her first weeks in government didn’t do much to prove her ability to drive an agenda and influence policy – she caved to the miners and vastly weakened the mining tax (including reducing the headline rate, which was previously a non-negotiable item). She also chose to cop out on climate policy by offering a Kevin Rudd-ish ‘citizens assembly’ to debate the issue without any real commitment to genuine policy. In the new parliament she will have to negotiate and make deals with a broad range of ideologies, including the far left Greens (who Rudd notably chose not to negotiate with on the ETS) and Independents who range from centre-left to centrist to the far right. It could be like herding cats.

Gillard must avoid falling into two major traps. The first is to ensure that she doesn’t go all Rudd-like and start playing the ‘my way or the highway’ game. If this happens her government will be politically impotent and the people of Australia will deliver a ballot box castration at the first available opportunity. She must use the expertise available to her from the Independents to shape policy and deliver outcomes for the majority of Australians, not pandering to the country dwelling farmers, the latte sipping urbanites, the Western Sydney working class OR the beard stroking professor types. ALL these groups and more need to be considered when making policy decisions. Since the alliance, she has announced one notable change of direction – a committee to debate a proposed carbon tax or ETS – which will only be open to people who are committed to that aim. To me, that is not consensus building, or negotiating, it is a groupthink circle jerk of bloodymindedness. Australia is deeply divided on this issue and until Gillard is willing to acknowledge the very real concerns that Australians have about contentious issues like these, she runs the risk of falling into the same trap Rudd did.

The other risk which Gillard needs to be mindful of is taking government policy too far to the left. Gillard’s history would suggest that her personal politics lean towards a socialist agenda. Now that the ALP have a formal alliance with the left-wing Greens, who will hold the balance of power in the Senate next year, this is a temptation that must be avoided at all costs. I contend that a large majority of Australians are quite economically conservative. I’d also contend that a smaller majority of Australians are socially conservative too, despite the increasingly shrill voice of progressives in the community – many of us don’t particularly like change and many of the trendy issues of today only affect fringe groups. Let’s see a commitment to dealing with the bigger issues that affect the whole country before devoting time to these. Have a conscience vote on gay marriage, sure, and get it out of the way, but let’s not spend months focussing on issues that only affect 10% of the country. If it gets defeated, don’t complain, acknowledge that the country is not ready yet and move on to the stuff that matters to the majority – I’m talking proper health reform not cost shifting; less welfare for people who don’t need it, more spending on infrastructure (and I’m talking things we actually NEED, not duplicating existing school halls), and get us out of debt as the risk of a double dip recession isn’t going away.

If Gillard can meet these two challenges successfully, winning a majority at the next election, whether it comes early or not, should be assured.

On the opposition benches, Tony Abbott has a similar, yet different, set of challenges to face. Firstly, he needs to change his tactics slightly. He ran a very successful small target election campaign which focussed on the ALP’s failings as a government, preceded by a successful strategy of opposing much of Labor’s legislation. Now, in this ‘new paradigm’ parliament, he cannot expect to win votes by doing this. It is imperative that he works within the new parameters and attempts to be constructive, provide improvements to the government’s agenda, and oppose legislation tactically rather than ideologically. If the Australian people see him opposing everything for the sake of opposing, the next election will be a whitewash and Abbott’s leadership will be over.

The second, and perhaps more challenging thing for Abbott is that while being a part of this co-operative parliament, he must continue to present the coalition as an alternative government that is significantly different and significantly better than the ALP. It is an extremely fine line to walk, while appearing to support genuine reform and positive outcomes, to also know what policies to attack and when to oppose – and then how to justify that opposition to the Australian people in a way that lets everyone know he has the entire country’s best interests at heart, rather than political points scoring.

I believe Malcolm Turnbull was attempting to work in this cooperative fashion last year on the ETS; where he failed was in differentiating the Coalition from the government. Voters could not see the point in voting for an opposition which appeared to agree with the government on significant areas of such a contentious policy. He also showed a significant failure of judgement in knowing when to attack during the OzCar affair. Still, I’ve heard many commenters suggesting they may have voted Liberal if Turnbull was still leader – my response to that is that if Turnbull was still leader of the Liberal Party, an ETS would be in place and Kevin Rudd would still be Prime Minister in a majority Labor government, waffling about detailed programmatic specificity and baffling us with bullshit. Tony Abbott needs to learn from Turnbull’s mistakes and walk the tightrope between political pragmatism and ferocious opposition – it won’t be easy. But it will earn him a higher level of trust from the Australian people.

If Abbott can do all the above, he can position himself as an alternative Prime Minister and lead the Coalition to an election winning position – particularly if the rainbow coalition can’t govern effectively and doesn’t go the full term.

And a final challenge to all our politicians, particularly the two leaders, which they need to deliver on: don’t talk down to us. While the reasons for Kevin Rudd’s falling poll numbers (ultimately costing him the Prime Ministership) were legion – in the top handful would be that Australians tuned out. The reason they failed to tune out is that the ‘working families’ and ‘let me tell you’ and ‘can I just say’ mantras became like fingernails on a blackboard to many ordinary people on the street. What’s utterly mind boggling is that both Labor and Coalition speechwriters are still insisting on the same power phrases to try and get their message across – think ‘big new tax’ and ‘moving forward’. You know what, guys? Australians are not frigging stupid. If you genuinely believe what you’re doing is correct, then passion and charisma will shine through. Use your intellect more than your speechwriters, show us your vision and throw away the script. Australia needs you.