Month: June 2004

I can’t keep my mouth shut

I just told my father how much money I made this year. Probably more than him – now I feel really bad for saying it.

He’ll probably tell all his friends how successful I am – and I don’t really want the attention. Plus he’ll probably tell mum. As if I don’t have enough people trying to give me investment advice as it is. Sheesh.

Why do I let myself in for this? Me and my stupid big mouth….

Blah

What the hell was that?

I think about too much serious stuff when I’m drinking 🙂

I just want to have fun. And I want a 19″ LCD. I wish retailers would respond to my emails, I might have bought one by now!

I’m drunk :)

It’s been a litle while since my last post – I miss blogging, even though nobody reads it and it’s usually some self absorbed rant about the silly little things that are going on in my pitiful little life 🙂

One of the things that I love about the ‘net though, is my connection with other people. I don’t have many real friends in my real life existence – but I truly feel that some of the people I know from online are my friends.

It’s great to feel that I can offer them some help and support when they need it. Even though my life may not be perfect, I would love to have a positive effect on people’s lives. I’m sick of seeing people throw away potential and intelligence because of stupid society’s silly expectations, and silly people who think that what other people think is the most important thing in the world.

I’d love to be able to teach people that there is far more to life than being popular, fitting in with the norm, and being a conformist.

I hope I’m some way towards doing that. (As much as I’m smoking again, drinking heavily, and partaking in other “rebel” activities – that’s not what I’m all about. That’s just my way of disguising the pain that I myself am feeling, from having to live in this totally screwed up world. Although I’m sure there are better ways.)

Interesting

Well, since the last couple of posts, I haven’t had a drink. I’ve wanted one though – just had to be strong.

Been really getting into BZFlag a lot lately – hadn’t played it for 12 months or so but now I’m completely addicted again, heh – it’s about the only game I can play with any sort of skill (and I’m still pretty bad at it, hehe) – anyone who hasn’t tried it should give it a go.

There’s not really anything else to write – I haven’t been thinking about deep things – just watching a lot of Family Guy and The Shield (I was a bit disappointed in the season finale actually – it was good, but there really wasn’t any huge cliffhangers to speak of – at least I didn’t think so). But I won’t spoil it for anyone who might not have watched it – all I can say is what a great show!!!!

Tomorrow I get to fly to Melbourne for a meeting – oh happy days. Counting that as a day off, that’ll be 4 days off for me this week – I’m feeling pretty lazy to say the least 🙂

Yuk.

OK, that last post was nasty.

I was pretty drunk when I posted it – but the sentiments were real. I’ve always been quite a heavy drinker – sometimes a couple of nights a week, sometimes four or five, depending on how I’m feeling – with occasional longer binges, and occasional breaks of weeks at a time. But it’s not until the past couple of weeks that it’s begun to put me into such seriously horrible moods.

There’s nothing really that’s changed, that I can think of, other than a bit of extra pressure at work, but hey – I’ve been dealing with it for years, that’s no good reason for me to be slipping into depressive funks.

I think it’s time for a break from my life. I’ve applied for holidays, which will start in three weeks or so – somehow I have to get myself through until then. Not sure how – just keep looking ahead, I guess.

I almost decided to leave Whirlpool and the internet for a little while, to try and get some perspective on things – but decided that would be too damn hard, and also fairly pointless since I have nothing better to do at the moment. What I need to do is to find something better to do – which might enable me to spend more time away from the ‘net and finding some fulfillment in other areas.

Sorry I’ve made a dick of myself lately.

Honestly. I’m better than the way I’ve been behaving.

Hrm.

It’s been a little while.

Things just seem to get better and better (sarcasm) – I find myself sinking into deeper and darker pits of depression as the days go by.

I don’t know why I felt the urge to post tonight, except that it’s been a little while, and there has to be some way, some outlet, that lets me express what I’m really feeling. And let me tell you, it’s not real good.

The last week or so, I’ve been sitting here, thinking about knives – how easy it would be, and yet how hard, just to fall on one and end it all. I’m sorry to anyone reading this (yes, you know who you are) who might find this hard to hear. It’s hard for me to type, too.

I’m tired of fighting.

Everywhere I look, the odds just seem stacked against me. Nothing I do seems to have any positive effect. I feel completely ineffective, unliked, and insignificant. Goodness knows, I’ve been trying hard to change things – at work, especially.

But it doesn’t seem to be having any effect.

I bought a packet of smokes the other night – after 18 months or more without, it was a bit of a copout, but I was drunk and needed comfort. But of course, like many things, it was only temporary.

So many memories………….so many things in the past that should be forgotten and can’t be…..so many things that should be in my future, but somehow just can’t be pictured there………so many regrets, so many wishes and dreams, so many sorrows…….

It’d be so good to just start again…….but that’s never going to happen…..so what is one supposed to do? I can’t go on crying every day of my life.

Something’s gotta give. 🙁

What should I do with my life? :(

I wish I knew.

Dealing with people every day is such a nuisance….I just want to crawl into a hole sometimes and not speak to them, just find some cocoon of warmth and protection that provides me with all the sustenance I need……maybe that’s why every time something goes wrong I seem to crawl into a bottle for a few days….

Nothing ever seems easy – everything is a lot of hard work and it’s so difficult to get motivated about anything any more. And the worst part is it feels like there’s nobody urging me on, nobody who is really interested…..I’m the sort of person who’s easily ignored, I guess.

I need a rest. Really.

Singing along!

I get a real kick out of singing – nobody who knows me in real life would realise that, because it’s something that I only ever do when I’m alone – either in the car, or at home, and especially after a few drinks, it’s an excellent stress reliever. Not that I’d ever let anyone else hear – it’s difficult for me to do it in front of an audience, even when I’m drunk – and I do think that I’ve got a semi-decent voice.

Evanescence is still a great band to sing to – such raw emotion comes out in their music, that I just can’t help but put my heart and soul into belting out tunes. All the flies on the wall at my place must have burst eardrums by now 🙂

The business that I manage has been subject to an internal audit over the last couple of days and I’ve also had my area manager visiting. It’s been a busy couple of days, to say the least – but I’ve pulled through it (I was going to say “with my sanity intact” – but after tonight, I’m not so sure.)

So I get to thinking deeper, and the thing that keeps on jumping out at me is that life is nothing more than a series of tests – tests of character, tests of decision making skills – whatever. The old saying is true – “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” – I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately.

I can only hope that in a few months time I’ll feel a helluva lot stronger, because at the moment I’ve been fighting back against the feeling that it’s killing me! 😐